Surprised By Joy

You are trying to put your baby to sleep. Usually that involves turning off the lights and getting your daughter into a drunken stupor with milk. She would roll over after she has had her fill and fall head first into the bed. In a few seconds, she’s asleep. Tonight it doesn’t go that way. She has had her milk but sleep is not on her mind. You see her placing herself on the pillow. Then she starts singing in her baby voice. This means meaningless words, and cooing. But there’s a tune in there somewhere, an order, and so it’s a song. After a while, she shuffles a bit and lands on your pillow. She pushes your head and elbow away so she has space. Then she starts patting your head and says, on a loop, “jo, jo, sshh". The first couple of times, the “sshh” is accompanied by a gesture, with her finger on her lips. That stops eventually. After a few more “jo”s, still sitting, she rests her head on you, with the cheek on your forehead, just above your right eye. It’s soft and cold. Then you feel her drool over your eyes. You wait a while. This is not comfortable, but you stay put. Finally you work up the courage to move her and realize she has fallen asleep. Placing her to your side, you cover her little palm with yours. And wait.

This is how the day went. You make pancakes for the first time, with the little one gobbling them as if she had been starved the night before. Then you go to see an old-growth redwood grove in the Santa Cruz Mountains. You reflect on the thousand summers some of these trees have seen. Between you and your daughter, you have seen thirty-seven. You say a silent prayer to the old gods that she may see a hundred more.

You make your way to Santa Cruz Costco. The two of you try out the food samples. Cheese, popsicles, and raspberry bread. Not a bad streak here. Then you loiter around Santa Cruz downtown, looking for a place to eat. You head back home for the little one to nap and you, you get a break. The siesta lasts ninety minutes. You then walk around the neighborhood while she snacks on more pancakes. The Palo Alto Children's Zoo would be entertaining. It's been on your mind for a while, and so that's next. You are told the place is full, but lucky for you, there's a park nearby and a children's library. The next couple of hours will be spent there and then it is back home again for the last time. Dinner. Bath. Milk. Sleep.

How does it feel? A hundred miles, give or take, a zig-zag across the valley and through the mountains. With sore legs and a hint of a bad back. When you wipe the saliva from between your eyes and the forehead. Ready to sleep. At that moment, how does it feel?